Baggins’ World

The bath was full of ice and booze…

The launch-warming party went by in a whirl: I sold, signed and numbered books, saw more people in my flat than I thought would fit, did a reading, was toasted, set absinthe on fire, and generally enjoyed myself immensely.

The big clear up will happen at some point this afternoon.

Here, have a picture of the front cover:

(Not shown actual colour (the printers bodged things spectacularly, but I tried not to think about that all night).)

It’s entirely true, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery:
 

I know I’ve not written a ‘proper update’ for a long, long time. So, with no silly pictures, fictional anything, poems, or anything else besides the raw facts, a ‘proper entry’! Of course, most of you will know most, if not all of this anyway, but still…

General outline
I’m doing very well - just been discharged from my CBT (training how to think therapy), just ordered the first print run of my new book, I’ve moved into a new flat (which is lovely - and just got broadband installed the other day), work’s much the same as usual and not much else has changed from the last time we knocked heads on google chat.

In slightly more detail
- I got referred for more cognitive behavioural therapy after a ‘blip’ in my gradual recovery from the long-standing depression, and this batch has left me in a better state than ever before in adult memory - able to react and respond to new and confusing situations without turning into a gibbering heap. I’m finding this ability very useful.
- I’ve been collecting a small book’s worth of my writings together for the past coupla months. In the middle of moving and such like, the final pulling-together has taken a while, there’s been one drastic name change of the project and a re-ordering of most of the material, but otherwise it’s been fairly painless. One of my mates is acting as publisher - so it’s not entirely self-published which lends it a thin veneer of respectability that it otherwise wouldn’t have. Once the books arrive, it’ll be going up on Amazon (although I’m still not sure quite how that will work). There’s been an initial print run of sixty-two copies of the first edition (which seems a random number, but leaves fifty to sell after I’ve given away a dozen) - all of which will be numbered and signed.
- The new flat is a ground-floor, two bed-room in the west of Newcastle (almost out at the airport, but not quite). It has its own garden and shed and everything. I was happy in the old house, but found out about this place and the rent was so good I couldn’t resist - also, it’s about time I found a place just for me.
- There’s not much detail to go into about work, except to say that I’ve been working a lot on the website recently and there’s several new bits of it almost ready to go. Next up, a “search this site” box (probably from Google).
 
The end.

Dave Walker is posting at The dullest blog in the world again!
Now, I can rest easy knowing that somebody else is doing it and get back to writing interesting stuff.

Most nights, I go to bed wishing I was dead and cursing myself for a fat, useless idiot. It’s been that way for a long time now – the death wish being the default settings on the self-esteem formatted brain-drive. Sometimes, I’m distracted from it by the day or evening I’ve had, and, most of the time, I don’t really notice it’s there. Unless I’m having a bad day – that’s when the only things that calm me down are thoughts of me dying in a variety of ways. If I’m having a really bad day, I’ll plan it – my escape route.

I mention the above merely to set the scene for a truly remarkable event which took place on Saturday night this weekend.

We’d taken a group of the young people from the church away for a combination of outdoorsy pursuits and a weekend looking at the subject of the Holy Spirit. After a day’s worth of study sessions and activities, we held a small service – during which, there was a chance (for anybody who wanted to) to be prayed with if they wanted to be ‘filled with the Holy Spirit’*. In due course, I sat down and was prayed for, and felt nothing.

After the service, we hung around and chatted, drank tea and I tried to plan the mini-seminar I was due to be leading in the morning. Eventually, with half a sheet of A4 covered with scribbled ideas, I decided to call it a night. Back at the cabin, I changed, turned out the light and lay down. As I closed my eyes, I noticed that something was missing: any kind of thought of self harm or suicide or death whatsoever. And more than that: any negative thoughts or feelings about myself were similarly absent. I felt completely peaceful – at ease with myself and life – grateful to have escaped so painlessly. To be fair, I was occasionally aware of the old thoughts trying to creep in, but they seemed to come from a long way off and to be in no way part of what made me me.

I was kind of okay when I noticed that I wasn’t getting to sleep – let the insomnia continue if lying in bed is going to feel as good as this! I couldn’t even stay cross when the boys came charging into the cabin in high spirits and took their own sweet time quietening down. Even Pete’s snoring from the next room seemed less madness-inducing.

So, this is what life on the outside feels like!

Eventually, a not-particularly-fitful doze became sleep for the remainder of the night.

When I woke up, I wanted to die. My glorious release/escape had only been a night on remand, but no less glorious for that.
 
Since writing this article, I’ve had another death and misery free night, and didn’t even feel too bad during the day.
 
 

* Most Christians believe that, when somebody first becomes a Christian, the Holy Spirit comes and somehow lives in them, and that it’s possible to be ‘topped up’ with ‘Spirit Power’…