Baggins’ World

Most nights, I go to bed wishing I was dead and cursing myself for a fat, useless idiot. It’s been that way for a long time now – the death wish being the default settings on the self-esteem formatted brain-drive. Sometimes, I’m distracted from it by the day or evening I’ve had, and, most of the time, I don’t really notice it’s there. Unless I’m having a bad day – that’s when the only things that calm me down are thoughts of me dying in a variety of ways. If I’m having a really bad day, I’ll plan it – my escape route.

I mention the above merely to set the scene for a truly remarkable event which took place on Saturday night this weekend.

We’d taken a group of the young people from the church away for a combination of outdoorsy pursuits and a weekend looking at the subject of the Holy Spirit. After a day’s worth of study sessions and activities, we held a small service – during which, there was a chance (for anybody who wanted to) to be prayed with if they wanted to be ‘filled with the Holy Spirit’*. In due course, I sat down and was prayed for, and felt nothing.

After the service, we hung around and chatted, drank tea and I tried to plan the mini-seminar I was due to be leading in the morning. Eventually, with half a sheet of A4 covered with scribbled ideas, I decided to call it a night. Back at the cabin, I changed, turned out the light and lay down. As I closed my eyes, I noticed that something was missing: any kind of thought of self harm or suicide or death whatsoever. And more than that: any negative thoughts or feelings about myself were similarly absent. I felt completely peaceful – at ease with myself and life – grateful to have escaped so painlessly. To be fair, I was occasionally aware of the old thoughts trying to creep in, but they seemed to come from a long way off and to be in no way part of what made me me.

I was kind of okay when I noticed that I wasn’t getting to sleep – let the insomnia continue if lying in bed is going to feel as good as this! I couldn’t even stay cross when the boys came charging into the cabin in high spirits and took their own sweet time quietening down. Even Pete’s snoring from the next room seemed less madness-inducing.

So, this is what life on the outside feels like!

Eventually, a not-particularly-fitful doze became sleep for the remainder of the night.

When I woke up, I wanted to die. My glorious release/escape had only been a night on remand, but no less glorious for that.
 
Since writing this article, I’ve had another death and misery free night, and didn’t even feel too bad during the day.
 
 

* Most Christians believe that, when somebody first becomes a Christian, the Holy Spirit comes and somehow lives in them, and that it’s possible to be ‘topped up’ with ‘Spirit Power’…

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 9th, 2010 at 12:12 am and is filed under Entirely True. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.